memoirs~

i purchased george winston's december cd this week. it arrived today. it's the 20th anniversary edition re-release. as i listen to every perfect note, melody and resonance, i realize that the memories evoked within this music are also perfect. i'm listening to the kanon now, by pachelbel, but soon the holly and the ivy will come on, i think it's number 11. i played it while i walked down the isle to marry chad. we got married in harmony in the huge old barrel chapel. november 21st, 1986.

oh, here it is~

~~~

i think about how i spent a couple of hours with beth, megan and steve preparing them for their performance in the wedding march. we had so much fun and they were so great. beautiful children and wonderful human being no doubt. i don't think, dwell shall i say, on that part of my life as i prefer to stay in the present moment. this way i don't miss out on the present magic of life. but this is my present moment, how marvelous, to be moved to look back and remember some of my life expericences without any pain, remorse, bitterness or anxiety. i look back and all i see is perfection. it was a place and time in each and everyone's life that wove part of out soul into who we are today. i am sad though, i just remember taking steves dog to the pound, it kept running away, and i don't remember him taking responsibility for it, like taking it for walks or anything... but i'm sure i broke his heart a little bit...
deep sigh~~~

chad and i felt deeply connected, i was seeing it like this this morning~~~
we had both been so deeply hurt and disappointed in how our love and lives had fallen apart before we met, that when we discovered the parallels in our lives, we felt an immediate connection. i would say now that that was destined because we talked years later and stated that that had been one of the happiest times in our lives, for each of us.

so here's my new understanding of it: it was what we drew toward ourselves to help ourselves heal, and we did. our lives were full of life, love, joy, hope, laughter, discipline, routine, plenty, companionship, freedom, pride, enjoyment and contentment, which evolved to add pressure and responsibility, frustration, seeking, concern, devastation, anger, bitterness, faithlessness, escape, disappointment and eventually disillusion.

it was all part of the new fabric of what our lives would become. i'm so grateful that this is also now where only the sweetest of memories now emerge. this is what my mother told me eventually happens, as i believe this is also the result of the healing work i set out to do 10 years ago. however, as i look back, this has always been my quest, to heal, to look for and seek out healing for pain, because somehow, i know deep inside, only i can find what truly heals... i am finding that every experience in my life points to that strength in my personality. and with the joy, i share that, in just my countenance, and that is the gift i give to every life source my life touches...